After another restless night, Cora walked downstairs, towards Robert’s office. She was haunted by the most horrible images of Robert with Jane. He had not asked if he could come back into her room, that scared Cora. Was he regretting their marriage? Was he still seeing Jane?
Cora tried to shake off those thoughts, it did not help her. The only thing that she needed now was to see Robert. She opened his office door and there he was, sitting at his desk. His back turned towards the door. His hair was getting long in his neck, the chestnut brown hairs, where steadily replaced by grey ones. She loved his pepper and salt colouring. His hand moved over his head, a gesture that was so familiar to Cora. She knew he would sigh in just a second.
And yes, there it was, Robert left out a sigh, resting his head in his hands for a second. Cora felt her stomach go weak. She wanted to comfort him. Slowly she walked towards him and softly placed her hand on his shoulder. “Robert, we need to talk.” she said.
She spooked Robert, who turned around. When he saw Cora, he answered. “You are right.”
Cora pulled a chair close and sat down, she did not want to move to a different room or the couch that was in his room. “I need to know what happened between you and…”It was hard to say her name, Cora noticed, but she managed. “You and Jane.” Cora swallowed, she felt a lump in her throat, but she was determined not to cry, not yet at least.
“It meant nothing, I mean that Cora, it meant nothing.”
“That is not what I am asking. I need to know what happened that night you met in a room.” She folded her hands in her lap, in an attempt to stop them from shaking.
Robert looked at her hands, he would love to take them in his and comfort Cora, his wife, but he refrained from the desire. “We never had intercourse. We did not go that far.”
“How far did you go then? It must have been more than just words for her to leave a letter like she did, and for you to keep it.”
Why did he kept that letter, why was he still thinking of Jane, did he genuinely want Jane over Cora? And how was he going to answer this question? He wanted to be honest, but at the same time he did not want to hurt Cora more then she already was. “I had undressed her.” He said with his voice almost inaudible.
“Oh my God, no. No, no no.” Cora exclaimed. She kept repeating no very softly. She could not believe her ears, this was more than just a fantasy, he had acted on his fantasy.
“Cora.” Robert put his hands on Cora’s, she did not react and kept repeating: ‘no, no, no.’ “Cora, I was lost and did not think about what I was doing. When Sybil called out for me, I came back to earth and realised it was wrong. I stopped and tried to stop her. But she kept coming after me and she kept seducing me. So that is when I asked for her to be fired. She could not stay in this household anymore.”
Cora stared at him; how could he think of keeping her on after what happened. “You wanted to keep her close.” She whispered. “You wanted her as your backup.”
“No, I did not. But she has a young boy and losing her job would be a disaster for her. She should not have to suffer for my actions.”
“Robert!” Cora’s raised her voice. “How can you be so selfish. First you seduce a woman, than try to go to bed with her, and when you decide it is over, you want to keep her in the same household.” Cora fell silence when she realised something. “You had hoped I would die, so you could go on with Jane.” Cora looked up into Robert’s eyes. “That’s it. You wanted to keep her just in case I would not make it.”
Robert’s eyebrows raised in shock. “Never, darling, never. I prayed every day you would survive. Cora! Jane meant nothing; it was a mistake. I do not know why I did not throw her letter away; I should have. I do not have feelings for Jane. Those feelings are not real, I know they are not real. There was no affection coming from you, and I searched for it somewhere else.” He stopped for a second, when he saw Cora’s eyes change into ice pools. “I am not saying that it was correct what I did, but you were absent in heart and mind. At night when I tried to start something, you would be asleep already, or you were not even in the bedroom yet. How many nights, I have fallen asleep, wishing you were in my arms. Wishing you would kiss me.”
She pulled her hands away from Robert’s and shoved her chair back. “I know I have not been the perfect wife for you over the last weeks.” Her eyes studying the lines in the floor.
“Months more likely.” Robert said under his breath.
Cora looked up again, her eyes big, her eyebrows high. “Why did you not come to me, why did you not make me aware of your feelings?”
“You were so happy with the new company; it was going well and then Tom happened and you did not seem to mind. Tom, I beg you. Tom a chauffeur, marrying our darling Sybil. and every time I tried to initiate private time, you never reacted, or you brushed me away.”
“You never tried talking with me. Oh Robert, where did we go wrong, we always talked about everything. And now you could not even talk to me about your needs.” Cora put her hands back in her lap. “Where did we go wrong.” This last sentence was more a thought than an audible sentence.
Robert pulled Cora’s chair closer to him again and took her hands in his. “We are talking now. We can go on from where we are now. Don’t you think?” His voice hopeful.
Cora’s heart wanted to give in, lean against his chest and let his heartbeat calm her down. Letting him reassure her that the world was not this dark place she was in now. She wanted to feel his lips on hers, knowing that whatever would happen, they were together. But her mind pushed back, something had changed. He had cheated on her and not only in his mind, but he had also acted on his feelings. Could she ever forgive him, was there a way? Could she ever be sure, he had forgotten about Jane?
She straightened her back. “I need time to think.” Suddenly she got up. “I am going to Rosamund, I need to be away from here, from you.” She knew that those last words would hurt Robert immensely, but she needed him to suffer. Even though she knew he was already suffering.
Robert felt his blood thicken in his body. Cora was leaving him; she was going to leave him. Would she come back from Rosamund or was this a first step. Was there a way he could prevent her from leaving. He realized that forbidding her to go to Rosamund, would result in an instant divorce, but how could he be sure she would come back to him. He also got up from his chair and stepped closer to Cora. He stroke with his hand over her cheek, he felt Cora react, but he kept from going further. “Are you well enough for the trip? We should ask Sybil to travel with you?”
Why did her body react so eagerly on his touch. She did not want that, she needed to keep her mind clear, and she could not with him touching her. His hand on her cheek, was enough to make her soft. “I can ask Sybil to go with me, but what are we going to say? I do not want the girls to know why I am going away.”
“We will ask Rosamund to drive up here and take you with her. We do not need to give a reason. You and Rosamund always had a good relationship, so this is just a girls get away.”
Cora chuckled. “You truly think the girls do not suspect something is wrong? The whole house is buzzing. The reason we will give is, that I need more rest.” She quickly kissed his cheek and left.
Verhalen van Traan 