‘My dear Cora,
sitting here at my desk, it is hard to form the words that need to be said. I realise my behaviour has been extremely unacceptable, and you do not deserve that treatment. It is not enough for me to say sorry; I realise that. But I hope that you want to accept my apologies. These last months have been hard for both of us. I added on your load by blaming you and saying you took the easy road out.
I have said this many times before, I deeply regret what happened with Jane. And I had never thought I would be so foolish to throw everything I had away. Because that is what I did. I let my head rule and never thought about my actions. And I continued with that even when Jane was already gone.
You came to Downton to sign the divorce papers and were so kind about everything. But I messed up again that night. I do not even know why I get so upset about Sybil and Tom and Matthew taking over the estate in the future. You tried to calm me down that evening, and I pushed you even further away.
Cora, I can understand when you want to cut me out of your life completely. After all that I have done, I could not blame you for doing so. But I plead you to please accept my apologies. I promise to do better. I promise that I will accept Tom into our family and will give Sybil and him everything they need. I heard Sybil say to Mary that they needed a bigger house, to offer the baby his or her own room. They will get a house from me. I should say, from us, because it will also be from you as you are her mother.
Cora laid down the letter. She needed a minute before she could read further. Robert was never so outspoken and open about his emotions and thoughts. She noticed that reading Jane’s name did hurt less than a couple of months ago.
She chuckled. He wrote that he was letting his head rule instead of thinking about things first. It was exactly how Robert was. So many times, she had to remind him that he was too impulsive. Cora had grounded him over and over, and now he had nobody to do that. Except for Rosamund. But she was here in London and did not see everything that happened in Downton. Cora was also not sure if he would tell Rosamund as much as he told her.
She looked at the letter again. Cora missed the late-night talks with Robert. After a long day, when they finally were next to each other in bed. Many nights, they talked about the things happening during that day or about things that were going to happen.
Cora felt a blush coming up when she thought about the nights they did not talk. The nights that were only theirs, no talk about other people. Only them two in that room. She shivered when she remembered the first time Robert used his tongue. She had been surprised by the sensation but was quickly washed away in all the pleasant feelings he erupted in her.
Cora squeezed her legs together. It was enough to think about those nights to get her all warm. But she needed to stop this. It was all in the past, Robert belonged to her past. At least that part of Robert and her.
She got up and made herself a cup of tea before sitting back at her desk. It irritated her that her body still reacted in this way on him. She started with the rest of the letter.
I promise that I will accept Matthew and tell him everything he needs to know. As soon as he asks for Mary’s hand, I will accept. Hopefully, he will come soon because I can see how happy he makes our Mary. Mary has grown into an exceptionally fine young woman. She clearly has your work attitude, and she is flourishing with the business. We, I better say she, have a multiple day event coming up. And I cannot express how proud I am off her. She has learned from the best. You.
Our darling Edith is finally finding her way in life. I even think she has found somebody she really likes. But most of all, she likes her job. Did you read her articles? I was surprised and had never realised we had a real writer in our family.
Oh, my darling Cora. How I wished I could erase everything I have done. To wipe out all the memories of the last year. To start over. I wish I had seen that you wanted Mary to do good with the business and that she needed you for that. I wish I had seen that you were supportive of Sybil and Tom because you knew they belonged together.
My dearest one, I am not asking you back. I know that stadium has passed, but I am asking you to please forgive my rude behaviour. Let us come to good terms for the sake of our darling girls. But I think mostly for the sake of ourselves.
I have loved you for so many years, and I still love you. Cora, I still love you, never forget that. You are the only one I want in my life. And I cannot bear the thought of never seeing you again.
For ever yours,
Robert.
Cora wiped away a tear. Robert had truly opened up in this letter. He had never been this open before, and it shocked her a little bit. Did he truly mean all this? Or was this his way to get her back?
No, she scolded herself. Stop looking for negatives. He had bowed down and accepted his mistakes. She should stop being stubborn. It did not protect her from being hurt. She had also made mistakes in the last year. She should have divided her attention better. As she had said to herself before. Both were to blame in this situation.
She looked at the letter again, and she felt warmth in her heart. In the beginning of their relationship, Robert had sent her small cards. He was such a romantic man, she thought. He had always been. He was not good at expressing his emotions, but he had known how to pursue her. Should she write back?
“Mama? Are you alright?” Edith’s voice made Cora jump.
“Oh, darling, I forgot you were still here.” She put the letter back down and turned towards Edith. “I am sorry. What can I do for you?”
Edith stepped closer. There was a strange look on her mother’s face, and she could not place it. Edith took her mother’s hand while sitting down next to her. “Are you sure you are alright?”
Cora smiled. It was obvious her girls were getting older, and she could not escape from their watchful eyes. “No need to worry, sweetheart. I am alright. How are you feeling? Did you hear from Michael?”
Verhalen van Traan 