Robert was looking at his hands, this was the moment they would talk about their future. He had dreaded it the entire day, and when during their walk, there was no talk about Jane he had felt relief. Was Cora able to step over it? Did her time away do her good? But her last words had made him question every good feeling he had. She was not going to forgive him, was she?
“Cora.” He still did not look up. “I have thrown that letter away. It is no longer in my possession.” He waited for a reaction, but there was none. “I regret every move I made with Jane. I regret even having feelings for another woman. You are the love of my life, and I do not know how I lost track of that. I let disappointment clutter my mind and acted on it. You do not deserve that. You are allowed to give your time to Mary or anything else that interests you. I.” He fell silent. There was again no reaction from Cora. He heard her breathing, but she sat there very still. He dared to look up and saw she was looking at him, with a look in her eyes that he did not recognise. “I have been a fool, and I hope you can forgive me.” He got up and sat down in front of her on his knees. He refrained himself from taking her hands in his. “Cora? I made a fool out of myself by wanting another woman.”
“You made a fool out of me too, Robert.” Cora’s voice was soft and without emotion. “You made me believe you loved me and only me.”
“I do only love you, dearest.”
Cora huffed. “Clearly not. If you loved me, you would not have shared the bed with another woman.”
“I never slept with her, I stopped.”
Cora pierced her eyes into Robert’s. “You wanted too.”
Robert could not bare to look into her eyes, and he averted his face.
“I am right, am I? I know, I had been absent for a long time, and yes, I should have noticed the pain you were in regarding Sybil and Tom. But all that does not excuse you from sleeping with another woman.”
“I did not sleep with Jane. We only kissed.”
Cora shivered. “The only reason why you stopped was because you got interrupted.”
Robert looked back at Cora. He could see the pain in her eyes, and he hated the fact that he was the reason for that pain. He lowered his eyes once again. “In that moment, I indeed wanted her.”
“While I was fighting to stay alive, you played around. All the while playing the worried husband, but as soon as you got the chance, you went to her. Didn’t you?”
Cora’s tone made Robert look up. “No, it wasn’t like that.” He reached out his hands, but Cora pulled hers back. “The moment I realised what I was doing, I stopped it. I told her repeatedly; we could not be together.”
A tear escaped Cora’s eye. “You still want her, don’t you?”
Robert gasped. “No, no, there is not one fibre in my body that wants her. Not one! Cora, please, you have to believe me.” Robert felt his heartbeat rising. He was losing her. No, he had already lost her. There was no way she was coming back to Downton with him. He had blown it. His happy marriage was gone, just because he made one stupid mistake.
“You know, it does not really matter if you want her still or not. You wanted her in that moment. And if you truly regretted what you had done, you would have sent her away and, most of all, never held on to that letter.” Cora’s voice broke.
“I cannot explain why I hold on to that letter. I can explain why I did not fire her.”
“Robert, stop this. You could have sent her away with a good recommendation and made sure she would find a job elsewhere. But no, you were happy with her close to you, so you could still fantasise.”
Robert sighed. In this whole ordeal, which was the biggest mistake he made. Keeping her on, not wanting to let go of that feeling of something new. His long marriage with Cora had been a wonderful one. She knew how to please him in every aspect of his life, especially in the bedroom. But the feeling of something fresh and young had aroused him to the core. He felt most guilty about that. “She is gone now and will never come back.”
“Jane is gone from the house, but she will linger around in your thoughts, and what will you do when a new young and attractive woman comes to work in the house? Are you going to explore again?” Cora heard how hard her tone was, but she could not care. Robert had gone too far, and there was no return possible. He had damaged her, her belief in a faithful marriage, her belief that she was loved and the number one in his life. The only ones who had outshined that love were their three girls. The day they were born, there had been so much love for the girls, but most of all, for each other. If nature had let them, there would have been more children. They loved each other like she had never seen before. She had read about this kind of love in books, and she had counted herself lucky to have that in her life. But it all had shattered.
“You are leaving me.” Robert stated incredibly soft, he sunk against her knees. “I lost you.” He started sobbing.
Cora did not know how to react. The last time she had seen him cry was after the loss of their baby boy. Something deep inside wanted her to wrap her arms around him and forgive him. She needed him in her life as much as he needed her. But she could not do it. She could not get rid of the image in her head. Robert kissing Jane.
They had vowed to be faithful to each other, and he had broken that vow. “You have broken my trust.” She said, her voice thick from tears.
Robert looked up and reached towards her cheek. He softly touched her skin, which was wet from tears. “I am sorry, my love.”
Cora had to fight the urge to rest her head against his hand and let him comfort her. Was she able to go on without him? She had always needed him to ground herself. She was her rock. After her father had died, he had been there for her. His strong presence, always there for her to lean on. “Please, leave.” She said very softly. “Go back home.”
Robert took Cora’s hands in his. “Are you asking me to leave for now, or……?” He could not say the words.
Cora did not pull her hands back. She was too exhausted. “I want a divorce.” She said, almost inaudible.
Verhalen van Traan 